Shalom Bayit

Shalom Bayit is the Jewish concept of peace in the home. Simply put this value is based on the belief that peace in the home, meaning mutual respect, honesty, and gentle kindness, is paramount to a well balanced family.

Here is an example of how this has worked for us today.

Three years ago my husband entered a 21 day rehabilitation program for alcohol and drug use. He exhibited a tremendous amount of courage when he packed his bags and surrendered. I had a hard time living with an active addict. The day he agreed to go to treatment is in the top ten best days of my life. 

Hubs has committed himself to servicing fellow addicts in recovery through his membership in a twelve step program. He has found much strength and and gained much empathy for himself and the world around him through his experience in recovery. He is a very decent, kind and generous person. I am blessed to have married him.

Now, he wants to quit smoking. He smokes three to four cigarettes a day. I don't see him smoke, but he tells me he does and I can smell it on his hands when he comes in at night from his evening puff. I hate that he smokes. He has cut down to very few. Now, the day I start bleeding, heavily, from an IVF pregnancy, he tries to stop smoking completely. Today is also the day after our baby's first birthday, his intention to quit when she turned one is beautiful. (Allow me mention that he tried to quit when we were trying to conceive, when we conceived, and when she was born.)

My observation: for Hubs quitting drugs and booze was much easier than quitting smoking. When he stops smoking he becomes moody and erratic. I honestly do not know if he can handle all the stress of IVF along with nicotine withdrawal, and still support me and our daughter the way we need right now, during this IVF madness. 

Right now we need energy, happy and involved. Not edgy, up tight and "nic fitting".

This morning my doctor ordered bedrest and no picking up baby for two days, until I visit the clinic again. I needed Hubs to step it up and play Mr. Mom for a few days. So, in order to keep peace in the home, and to keep Hubs happy, I decided to keep my mouth shut about his quitting until this IVF stress blows over. I have decided to order food to the house to make sure his tummy is full and even let him drink the occasional coca cola, so that for the next few weeks, as we travel into the abyss of waiting and seeing, he is as comfortable as possible. To me this is a choice that addresses our current priorities: happy child, happily functioning papa and healthy pregnancy for mama. I believe his intent to quit smoking, if authentic, will materialize. 

We are not perfect but we are a happy home. We laugh often and enjoy each other, tremendously. Our joy brings peace to our souls and fuels health and vitality, something I need much of right now. 

At times like these, when priorities can seem very confusing, I like to revisit the traditional values of my Jewish family to help me recalibrate my moral compass. 

Shalom Bayit. Today this concepts saved our family.