Infertility: A Holding Pattern

This post is dedicated to all those women stuck in the holding pattern of infertility treatment.

I call the IVF/IUI journey a holding pattern because there is no better way to describe it (I have experienced it several times). Before I further elaborate on how much this holding pattern sucks let me say this: often times, after enough dedication and patience, it works out and the reward erases all memories of the bumpy road just travelled. Commitment is key. Stay committed to your choice to have a baby. Only with an honest commitment can you can free yourself to vent about how  unpleasant going through IVF really is. 

I reiterate: ONLY when truly committed to your fertility treatments can you indulge in complaining and venting. Why? Because you made a commitment and you are sticking with it. Your complaining and venting will not cause your commitment and sanity to waver, rather it will bring temporary relief, it is merely an expression of where you are that specific time in your life. 

I am not usually a complainer. I find that complaining about something before a decisive action or stance is taken on it builds tremendous anxiety and wastes the precious time you could be spending educating yourself on the topic at hand.

So, here are the reasons I call going through fertility treatment a miserable holding pattern.

1. It's expensive: Be prepared to drop thousands of dollars with no certain outcome. (It's all worth it when baby arrives). Put plans to make big purchases on hold... its baby making time. This is beyond frustrating.

2. It challenges your relationships: Friends, family, spouses will all have differing opinions on how you should be acting or feeling. Quickly learn to develop a thick skin. BUT Some people, who might have been somewhere similar, will be wise enough to just listen, or perhaps to share practical intel about good RE's, new treatments, supplements etc. This is good stuff. Take it in. You never know who might offer a tip that might lead to the arrival of bambino! It was my distant, foreign cousin four times removed, who called my mother with the name of a real deal Chinese Medicine doctor (cooky shop in chinatown) that helped us get pregnant. I will always be thankful to her.

3. It's depressing because it is so unfair: Yes, this is hard to swallow. It is random and senseless. Everyone around you will seem pregnant and happy. You will feel left out, lonely, and broken. This is when you must must must remember to catch the moments when you are happy and enjoy them. Teach yourself how to get to your own personal happy place. It is a skill worth developing, you never know when else you might need it.

4. It's isolating: No coffee. No booze. No strenuous exercise. No late nights. No fun. Lots of injections. Lots of obsessing. 

All of the above inevitably affect your social life. Few people really get how much you are going through. They don't get how badly you want a family, or why. These are deep and personal emotional desires that you don't really want to share with everyone. So for the most part, you plod through this journey with your partner, a friend or two, and perhaps a family member or two. Its lonely. It sucks. 

5. It creates resentments: I can still picture the face of the colleague who looked at me like I was completely insane when I burst out in tears because during lunch my first self injection of stims went terribly wrong. I felt so vulnerable, so desperate, so exposed. She just stood there with a blank expression on her face. I felt like my whole life was in pieces on the floor outside the door of her Gr. 4 classroom. I wept as kids passed by wondering what the hell was going on. I resented all people oblivious of this f#@!ing holding pattern I was stuck in.

I also resented all those smug people who just seem to have everything work out for them. Just sayin'. Not proud of this, but feel its honest and necessary to share. These resentments are likely connected to other deeper life issues within me, but everything gets coughed up during this very stressful time so prepare yourself to have days when you just feel bitter and rotten. I find that when I surrender to these feelings they go away faster. I basically get sick of feeling bitter.

6. Your life plans go on hold: Will you have twins, a singleton, or be doing IVF for the next two years only to end up with a surrogate a sperm donor and a $100,000 debt? Truth be told, these are all possibilities your face on this journey. Your future becomes a very clearly laid out unpredictable abyss. But, thank God, there are great options out there. Depending on how badly you want to be holding a baby in 9 months, and how much you can spend, and how long you are willing to wait, and how important it is for you to actually carry a baby, or be related to the baby, chances are that if you really try, you will end up with baby. 

7. Your career will go on HOLD: If you are committed to making a baby through ART then forget about bringing your A game to work. You may as well share your story with a superior so that they can offer you lenience. This may not always work, so my advice is to keep your eye on the ball and do whatever you need to do to get the rest, comfort and time you need. A white lie here and there might be the difference between a healthy and unhealthy you. Do whatever it takes to get through your treatments with as much unfaltering dedication as possible. Grad schools and promotions will still be there in a few years, after you complete your maternity leave.