A Happy Day

During the times I am going through fertility treatment I get a little obsessive compulsive. My mind temporarily shuts out the outside world and thinks about one thing, getting pregnant. It's as if my thoughts become paralyzed. I find myself barely able to prepare a meal, watch a show, or hold a conversation. This state of mind is exhausting and leads to burn-out, depression and isolation.

It takes a few days after a failed treatment to get back into the rhythm of normal life. In this case, it's been 5 days since the D&C. I finally had a really happy day.

This is what it looked like: A good book, a honey ginger tea, a park bench bathed in warm sun, a crisp blue autumn sky, red, leaves changing colours, baby asleep in stroller next to me. Perfection. Thank-you universe for today.

Moving On From a Shitty Hand

Liz Taylor said it well:

Good Bye Little Embryo

On Monday (5w6d) I got a call the my hcg was at 5664. Not good. Not good at all. I cried. I knew it was over. 

I was told to come back for an ultrasound on Thursday but I knew then and there that it was over. Crying helped me get over the anxiety roller coaster ride I had been on for the last month. After a few good hard sobs I felt much better, like a big ray of light, of certainty, appeared in my cloudy sky. I would fill the next few days with hope, happiness and living in the present.

When Thursday arrived it was just as expected. No heartbeat. Our little Beenu was gone. The doctor was sympathetic and asked if I wanted the D&C today or tomorrow. I opted for tomorrow.

The D&C was totally doable. Having the laminary tent inserted was uncomfortable, but the procedure was easy peasy, much like a retrieval, which I have done 4 times, so I am versed in these mini surgeries.

So here I rest, a day after the D&C, letting the hormones sweat out of me, and letting time heal. Kisses and hugs from my little one are the best medicine today. I am so grateful for our mother's help and for the texts and calls from my friends. 

All in all: A little setback, but life is still good.

Amen.

Infertility: A Holding Pattern

This post is dedicated to all those women stuck in the holding pattern of infertility treatment.

I call the IVF/IUI journey a holding pattern because there is no better way to describe it (I have experienced it several times). Before I further elaborate on how much this holding pattern sucks let me say this: often times, after enough dedication and patience, it works out and the reward erases all memories of the bumpy road just travelled. Commitment is key. Stay committed to your choice to have a baby. Only with an honest commitment can you can free yourself to vent about how  unpleasant going through IVF really is. 

I reiterate: ONLY when truly committed to your fertility treatments can you indulge in complaining and venting. Why? Because you made a commitment and you are sticking with it. Your complaining and venting will not cause your commitment and sanity to waver, rather it will bring temporary relief, it is merely an expression of where you are that specific time in your life. 

I am not usually a complainer. I find that complaining about something before a decisive action or stance is taken on it builds tremendous anxiety and wastes the precious time you could be spending educating yourself on the topic at hand.

So, here are the reasons I call going through fertility treatment a miserable holding pattern.

1. It's expensive: Be prepared to drop thousands of dollars with no certain outcome. (It's all worth it when baby arrives). Put plans to make big purchases on hold... its baby making time. This is beyond frustrating.

2. It challenges your relationships: Friends, family, spouses will all have differing opinions on how you should be acting or feeling. Quickly learn to develop a thick skin. BUT Some people, who might have been somewhere similar, will be wise enough to just listen, or perhaps to share practical intel about good RE's, new treatments, supplements etc. This is good stuff. Take it in. You never know who might offer a tip that might lead to the arrival of bambino! It was my distant, foreign cousin four times removed, who called my mother with the name of a real deal Chinese Medicine doctor (cooky shop in chinatown) that helped us get pregnant. I will always be thankful to her.

3. It's depressing because it is so unfair: Yes, this is hard to swallow. It is random and senseless. Everyone around you will seem pregnant and happy. You will feel left out, lonely, and broken. This is when you must must must remember to catch the moments when you are happy and enjoy them. Teach yourself how to get to your own personal happy place. It is a skill worth developing, you never know when else you might need it.

4. It's isolating: No coffee. No booze. No strenuous exercise. No late nights. No fun. Lots of injections. Lots of obsessing. 

All of the above inevitably affect your social life. Few people really get how much you are going through. They don't get how badly you want a family, or why. These are deep and personal emotional desires that you don't really want to share with everyone. So for the most part, you plod through this journey with your partner, a friend or two, and perhaps a family member or two. Its lonely. It sucks. 

5. It creates resentments: I can still picture the face of the colleague who looked at me like I was completely insane when I burst out in tears because during lunch my first self injection of stims went terribly wrong. I felt so vulnerable, so desperate, so exposed. She just stood there with a blank expression on her face. I felt like my whole life was in pieces on the floor outside the door of her Gr. 4 classroom. I wept as kids passed by wondering what the hell was going on. I resented all people oblivious of this f#@!ing holding pattern I was stuck in.

I also resented all those smug people who just seem to have everything work out for them. Just sayin'. Not proud of this, but feel its honest and necessary to share. These resentments are likely connected to other deeper life issues within me, but everything gets coughed up during this very stressful time so prepare yourself to have days when you just feel bitter and rotten. I find that when I surrender to these feelings they go away faster. I basically get sick of feeling bitter.

6. Your life plans go on hold: Will you have twins, a singleton, or be doing IVF for the next two years only to end up with a surrogate a sperm donor and a $100,000 debt? Truth be told, these are all possibilities your face on this journey. Your future becomes a very clearly laid out unpredictable abyss. But, thank God, there are great options out there. Depending on how badly you want to be holding a baby in 9 months, and how much you can spend, and how long you are willing to wait, and how important it is for you to actually carry a baby, or be related to the baby, chances are that if you really try, you will end up with baby. 

7. Your career will go on HOLD: If you are committed to making a baby through ART then forget about bringing your A game to work. You may as well share your story with a superior so that they can offer you lenience. This may not always work, so my advice is to keep your eye on the ball and do whatever you need to do to get the rest, comfort and time you need. A white lie here and there might be the difference between a healthy and unhealthy you. Do whatever it takes to get through your treatments with as much unfaltering dedication as possible. Grad schools and promotions will still be there in a few years, after you complete your maternity leave.

From the Inside

My father took his own life almost 9 years ago. 

Growing up he seemed normal. His impulsive mania was never labeled or diagnosed by a professional. It was the 80's and 90's, therapy was still taboo.

As a result of a long history of being controlled by this man, I feel I made some bad choices. My journey was more reactive than proactive. I ran and failed to get to know, or love, myself.

I can't say I regret my life, but at times I face the reality that time flies and unless we make commitments, we float, accomplishing little. I floated for a long time. 


This has all recently become clear to me leaving me with a question:
How do I offer my child the secure, safe and sane home I wish I had?

I need to write this to clearly see it, even though I know the answer. 

The answer:
I make commitments. I set roots for my daughter to grow from. I put energy and time into my friendships so that she can witness the beauty of friends. I challenge myself intellectually and physically. I care for my self and my family. I act gently and patiently. I create a stable and consistent routine that includes laughter, hugs and kisses, yummy food, nature, music, study and prayer. I relax and enjoy life.

A Theory About this Unfair World

Any women who desired to carry a child but suffers from infertility has likely pondered the notion the life is efffin' unfair. 

I sometimes wonder how life looks so tidy for some people. They always seem to have their ducks in a row, are able to make life plans and follow through with them, are happy with themselves, have supportive loving families, have the means to do what they want to do and the people to help them through it. 

Then there are us on the outside of this circle of tidy. Us bruised, abused, recovered or in the throws. Us suffering, lonely, lost then maybe found. There are us who were born into dysfunction and who have to work damn hard to learn how to recognize this dysfunction and then undo it. There are us with wounds that follow our family name, cursed it seems. 

While walking outside and enjoying the yellow and green autumn leaves decorating my view of the sky I came upon a theory. 

Why is life so tidy for some and messy for others?
So the tidies can help the messies get cleaned up.

It's a theory with holes in it but it does address a phenomenon that seems unfathomably cruel.

6 weeks

I am six weeks tomorrow!

I have been told to be cautiously optimistic. My RE gave me the whole "let's not get too excited" bit. At first I thought this was a bad thing, but now that a few days have past, I get it. Anything can happen and at this point whatever happens is waaaaay beyond my control. 

For someone mildly OCD such as I, obsessing with Dr. Google was the only comfort for a few days. Let's face it, IVF is scary and wickedly stressful. You do what you have to do to get through the days which are unpredictable and exhausting.

Reminder: The moments when you can actually relax are sooo important to identify and ENJOY!

Symptoms: 

-queezy at night

-really tired

-twinges and pain in bb's

Am I a Good Parent?

This link is worth looking at if you have ever asked yourself this question.
http://www.lilblueboo.com/2013/10/am-i-a-good-parent.html

Shalom Bayit

Shalom Bayit is the Jewish concept of peace in the home. Simply put this value is based on the belief that peace in the home, meaning mutual respect, honesty, and gentle kindness, is paramount to a well balanced family.

Here is an example of how this has worked for us today.

Three years ago my husband entered a 21 day rehabilitation program for alcohol and drug use. He exhibited a tremendous amount of courage when he packed his bags and surrendered. I had a hard time living with an active addict. The day he agreed to go to treatment is in the top ten best days of my life. 

Hubs has committed himself to servicing fellow addicts in recovery through his membership in a twelve step program. He has found much strength and and gained much empathy for himself and the world around him through his experience in recovery. He is a very decent, kind and generous person. I am blessed to have married him.

Now, he wants to quit smoking. He smokes three to four cigarettes a day. I don't see him smoke, but he tells me he does and I can smell it on his hands when he comes in at night from his evening puff. I hate that he smokes. He has cut down to very few. Now, the day I start bleeding, heavily, from an IVF pregnancy, he tries to stop smoking completely. Today is also the day after our baby's first birthday, his intention to quit when she turned one is beautiful. (Allow me mention that he tried to quit when we were trying to conceive, when we conceived, and when she was born.)

My observation: for Hubs quitting drugs and booze was much easier than quitting smoking. When he stops smoking he becomes moody and erratic. I honestly do not know if he can handle all the stress of IVF along with nicotine withdrawal, and still support me and our daughter the way we need right now, during this IVF madness. 

Right now we need energy, happy and involved. Not edgy, up tight and "nic fitting".

This morning my doctor ordered bedrest and no picking up baby for two days, until I visit the clinic again. I needed Hubs to step it up and play Mr. Mom for a few days. So, in order to keep peace in the home, and to keep Hubs happy, I decided to keep my mouth shut about his quitting until this IVF stress blows over. I have decided to order food to the house to make sure his tummy is full and even let him drink the occasional coca cola, so that for the next few weeks, as we travel into the abyss of waiting and seeing, he is as comfortable as possible. To me this is a choice that addresses our current priorities: happy child, happily functioning papa and healthy pregnancy for mama. I believe his intent to quit smoking, if authentic, will materialize. 

We are not perfect but we are a happy home. We laugh often and enjoy each other, tremendously. Our joy brings peace to our souls and fuels health and vitality, something I need much of right now. 

At times like these, when priorities can seem very confusing, I like to revisit the traditional values of my Jewish family to help me recalibrate my moral compass. 

Shalom Bayit. Today this concepts saved our family.

18dp3dt update

Still bleeding but beta rose overnight from 647 to 1014. A consistent 37 hour doubling rate for my last 3 blood tests.

I have been like a crazy person scouring the internet for studies and other women's similar stories that ended up with a healthy live birth. From what I gather bleeding after an IVF BFP, with normal doubling times, seems more commonly connected to issues other than actual miscarriage. (Also, I have been spotting for the last week, with a consistent hcg rise, indicating that perhaps the bleeding is not directly connected to the developing embryo.) These thoughts bring me some peace of mind after a week of astronomically high levels of anxiety.

Hopefully, I will be one of those women who sail through this to a happy ending. Hopefully.

Cole's Notes version of me

Me:

A 35 year old female.

Living in a big North American City.

Battling with fertility, mostly male factor.

Have a daughter who we adore to the moon and back.

Father commit suicide when he was 59, I was 24.

Both parents born in Europe during WW2, both parents affected by war tragedy, both parents eventually ended up here, in this big North American city.

Father was a wacky man with a short fuse. Very creative, clever but impulsive, sensitive and perhaps misdirected. Its quite sad.

Have a brother who is 5 years older. Great guy, but different than me in SO many ways.

Married a beautiful person, 3 years clean from a coke and booze addiction.

Work as a middle school teacher. The career of my dreams? No. Still figuring that out. BUT having a career is a wonderful feeling and security, so not adoring my career is trumped by the joys of simply having one.

Shall we dive right in? Let's. 18dp3dt.

I am going though IVF. Those who know anything about it might find my posts helpful. I did a FET on Sept 25. Doctor put in 3, 7 cell embryos.

These are my betas (hcg) so far:

9dp3dt: 42

11dp3dt: 63

13dp3dt: 114

15dp3dt: 264

17dp3dt: 647

18dp3dt: bleeding,mild cramping, went to clinic. Bedrest, waiting to see what todays's beta tells us.

I already have a beautiful daughter and I feel like a greedy jerk  for wanting another so badly. But I do, and I will own this feeling. I want my daughter to have someone to share her life with. My mother is an only child and I believe her loneliness had lasting effects. I never envisioned having one child, I always wanted a few. I know there are other ways to build a family, and I know that I will pursue them if need be, but for right now I just want this to work.